This past Friday was the 3 year mark of my dear, sweet Grandma passing away. (Here the tears come again) And it has been really hard on me this year. I had gotten to the point where I could go visit my Grandpa and see her stuff and not get all emotional. I was making progress...must have been one of those 2 steps forward, 1 step back kind of progression.
My mom's side of the family has a HUGE family reunion every year over Father's Day weekend, which happened to be this weekend this year. I was so excited. I love love love love love my extended family. And I am so sad that I don't get to see the majority of them more than once a year...they really are so great. And I love being up at the old homestead in Kilgore, Idaho. If you are not related and you have heard of it, I will give you a cookie. It is this little tiny place that doesn't mean anything except to those people who have had the pleasure of spending time there. I love it up there, but this year was especially hard. I was having a great time visiting, but there was always that sadness in the back of my mind and in my heart.
And to make it worse, since I was super emotional, I was letting the littlest things bother me. Which, in turn, brings out things that aren't so little that I have been holding inside for a long time. When I was younger, anytime I would get into an argument with my sister or my cousins, my Grandma would always know the right thing to say to make me feel better. And I always knew that what she was saying was true, because she would never tell a lie if her life depended on it. And what was even more great about her, is that she would make me feel better without putting anyone down. So this weekend, I was not getting along with my sisters. When I tried to talk to my mom about it, she just kinda shrugged it off and told me to let it go. That was not what I needed. And my little tiny thing that should not have even upset me snowballed into this huge ordeal. Saturday night, as I was trying to sleep, I just began sobbing. I felt like no one knew what I was going through, that I didn't fit in with my family, that I was all alone. When what I was really upset about was that my Grandma wasn't there to pull me on her lap, sing me one of her favorite hymns, and tell me how special I am.
My Grandma was an amazing lady. The nicest, kindest, sweetest lady you would ever meet. Even when her Parkinson's progressed to the point she could barely leave the house, she always made sure to send out the grandkids birthday cards, or call the ladies in the ward just to see how they are doing. It was really hard for me to watch her the last couple of years because the Parkinson's Disease had taken away who my Grandma really was. But once in awhile, I was fortunate to witness one of those "clear moments" when she was able to be that sweet little lady again.
I miss her a lot. Especially this weekend. And other moments when I feel like nothing is going right in my life. She is one of the biggest reasons I am who I am today. She has touched my life and shaped me to a point that I cannot even explain. And I cannot wait for the day when I get to see her again.
I wish that my own computer was working so I could put a picture of her up, but just know that she is beautiful.
2 comments:
Chelsee, you are such a sweet heart, sorry about your grandma, that must be hard, I love ya and miss ya!
Just so you know, I think it is okay to cry over those passed on, even 100 years later. You are fine and perfectly normal. :)
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