I'm going to throw up.

A couple of months ago, my friend, Brooke, posted a little something on her blog (being the super blog stalker that I am, it took me almost 2 months to get caught up). She found this AWESOME WEBSITE written by a total D-Bag, who probably needs to be junk-punched. She wrote this really fantastic response to his uplifting words. Brooke has inspired me to write a little response of my own. (Side note: Rachel emailed this winner to see if this was, in fact, for real. He responded in the affirmative.)

*Warning: There is one small, 3-letter expletive in my response. Also. It's kind of long.

Dear "Hopper",

I am also completely baffled as to why a stand-up guy such as yourself has yet to find that perfect woman. I know that, had I met you at my singles ward, I would have tried my hardest to snatch you right up. Of course, that wouldn't have worked out either, since being an average size 14 has doomed me to be single for the rest of my life...unless I quit my job and spend all of my time focusing on losing weight. Naturally.

I honestly and sincerely hope that the many, many girls that attend singles wards and who are "overweight" (as you put it) and are struggling with their size, self-image, and worth of they are do not EVER happen upon your "essay". Did you even think about the negative consequences that your mean, hurtful, and completely untrue words could have on some of these girls? Not only will their self-esteem be shattered, but what if they stop coming to church? People have stopped attending church for a lot less than a feeling of worthlessness. And what about those girls investigating the church? Do you think they would ever attend a singles ward after hearing that, unless they have a perfect body, they'll never be wanted by anyone in the Church? YOU may be confident in the person you are (although, the put-downs of others and your self-congratulatory attitude suggest otherwise), but there are a LOT of people - men and women, members and nonmembers, skinny and overweight - who are not. Did you know...?

• As many as 10 million women and girls suffer from anorexia and/or bulimia, in the United States alone.


• Approximately one million men and boys suffer from anorexia and/or bulimia, in the United States alone.


• An additional 25 million people in the US struggle with binge eating disorder.


• 86% of people with eating disorders report the onset of the illness by the time they reach the age of 20 (by no means is an eating disorder "less severe" when the eating-disordered person is above the age of 20).


• An estimated 85-95% of people with anorexia nervosa and 65% of people with binge eating disorders are female.


• A shocking 81% of 10-year-olds are afraid of being fat.


• Young women that have anorexia are 12 times more likely to die than other women their age.


• (I found these facts here)

Did you ever consider the possibility that maybe you, in your high & mighty wisdom and expert analysis, have already met the woman who would have been your perfect wife? But instead of giving her a chance to prove she is thoughtful, caring, nurturing, and willing to accept YOU and all of YOUR FLAWS, you decided she wasn't worth your time because she didn't fit your mold of what you think the perfect woman should be? You are so wrapped up in your skewed perception of reality that you are missing out on all of the amazing women who surround you.

I am also wondering - are you implying that every single young man in the church, including yourself, is addicted to porn? Furthermore, are you suggesting that the females who attend singles wards have the looks of porn stars? I am aghast that you can make such bold-faced accusations as to know, within seconds, which priesthood holders are addicted to porn, specifically by the women they "glance" at. EVERYONE GLANCES AT EVERYONE. You said there are usually only 4 girls per ward that you would even consider dating--obviously this means that you have "glanced" at every single girl in the room. Are YOU addicted to porn?

As a faithful and devout member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I try not to judge fellow human beings, and especially other members, too harshly and try to accept people for all of who they are; and I generally do a pretty good job at it. But I am completely and utterly disgusted by you and your apparent "expertise" on the young single adults within the Church. Your narcissism is worse than any other person I have ever been in contact with. "I have never broken the Law of Chastity - even though the thought as crossed my mind a few times, and has crossed the minds of girls I'm dating more than a few times"...with such obvious and over-powering studliness, how do these women EVER CONTROL THEIR URGES???? Your partial ownership in a private plane should be enough on its own to have all of the ladies proposing to you. Not to mention, I'm positive those piercing blue eyes that cause "whole rooms of people to fall silent and stare as you enter" make all of the girls go weak at the knees--be sure to have a fan and steady arm ready to help all of them that will inevitably swoon. However, your thinning brown hair is quite the serious problem...maybe it is one reason why you're not married.

In all seriousness, do you REALLY not understand WHY you are still single? Since this little essay has, no doubt, been circling around the LDS YSA community, I'm sure you've had a lot of suggestions on how to solve your little problem. Here's my advice--stop being such a self-absorbed ass. If you do ever get married and procreate, I hope your wife has the good sense to teach your children to be more accepting of people who don't fit your vision of perfect. And PLEASE, if your son should end up with your ridiculous views of what a woman should be, do us all a favor and send out a Public Service Announcement with the area you live in...I would hate to have any daughter of mine subjected to such a toxic influence.

Sincerely,

A completely-happy-with-my-size-14-self YSA member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

Yes. I did send this to him yesterday. I don't expect a response, although I would reallllllly like one.